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Luxury apartment complex threatens WSUM News Room

  • Post Author
    by News director
  • Post Date
    Mon Apr 01 2024

​​A luxury student housing developer's proposal to build an apartment inside of WSUM's News Room was approved today. 

The developers stated that the News Room would be renovated into a studio apartment with secure keycard access, 24/7 ambient music and an “indoor balcony”. The apartment would set back residents $1,800 per month but payments can only be made in Canadian Loonies and would need to be adjusted for inflation each month. 

Because the apartment would replace WSUM's News Room, the News Team is now office-less. 

“It's blasphemous and unfair for student enrichment,” said reporter Paige Stevenson. “How am I supposed to enact my pretentious student journalistic endeavors without an office?”

WSUM General Manager Kelsey Brannan had similar feelings. Her office will be renovated into the aforementioned “indoor balcony”. 

“The housing crisis in Madison has gotten really out of hand, but the needs of the students come first so I guess I'll find another corner for my office,” said Brannan.

Not everyone is mourning the death of News Team. In fact, some are reveling in the loss of student media.

“Profits are way up, I could not be prouder to be selling the vicious, lying media office to fill our glorious coffers.” said the current SAC Governing Board Chair. The sale was made for $500 USD in cash and half a glass of seltzer with a squeeze of lime juice.  

“We've found a few places we could relocate to, but it's hard because the rest of the station is on the 4th floor of the SAC,” said News Director Heewone Lim. “Our top contender is a cardboard box inside of the janitor's closet on the 3rd floor [of the SAC] but there's no way we can afford it.” Renting the cardboard box currently costs $2,000 a month, not including utilities. 

Station Manager Anna Thompson also expressed despair at losing the News Team space inside the station.

“Of course I'm devastated,” said Thompson. “I'm also not responsible for any property damage that may have been caught on camera at the leasing company office. Plenty of people have brown hair and glasses. It could have been any of them.”

Morale is low for News Team. Could this be the end of Madison's favorite student radio news broadcasts?

“If only we had a big, strong hedge fund to swoop in and buy us out from extinction,” sighed Lim.  

*THIS ARTICLE IS AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY*

TAGS

ANNA THOMPSON APRIL FOOLS HEEWONE LIM KELSEY BRANNAN NEWS PAIGE STEVENSON

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